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cheryl!

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[05 May 2009|11:34am]
I need motivation right now more than anything in the world. I keep contemplating not working today, realizing how ridiculous that is because of my very soon lack of work, and going back and forth until I am left sitting here updating livejournal.
I might come home for mothers day or at least sometime around then. I want to go to the lilac festival more than anything in the world and have decided to do so no matter what. so, I would like to see people, smell flowers with whoever is willing, and spend too much time in the arms of whoever will have me (hugs,hugs,hugs.please!)
I have felt kind of off and disconnected lately, but I think I am making progress in that regard. I have tried explaining this to a few people, but when I try to talk about it it does not make as much sense as I want it to. There is something I am missing that I found over the summer. Something about being alone and how free it felt, when floating around not having any real responsibility felt fucking amazing. I still sort of feel like I am floating, but it just is not as satisfying. In a lot of ways, it just feels lonely.  I need to stop working this census job, ASAP, because I think it is destroying my soul a little. I am craving super real & serious interactions with people, and that job is so far from that.

I went to sleep really happy last night and I feel slightly silly for the reason why. I keep going back and forth between just about every emotion that I could feel, and it is straight up stupid. I need to get over any insecurities I have which hold me back from feeling 100% positive about everything that is happening around me. I think I might just be on my way to that though. At least for today.

I guess I need to go work?
4 yellow curtains| stain the ceiling feverish green

its like the cranberries.... [11 Apr 2009|12:09pm]

So I started this awhile ago in an effort to work on myself, whatever that means. I have been trying to think about confidence and assertiveness and trying to be a person I am really proud of.
Basically, I wanted something to keep track. Something to keep me accountable. This sounds super lame, but its honest.

in other news:
I am kind of smitten. It feels weird, but good. And I finally think I am ready to accept it.
This doesnt really mean anything other than that I am finally open to romance (and want it), for the first time in awhile.
2 yellow curtains| stain the ceiling feverish green

[24 Feb 2009|05:58pm]
Its been almost a week of not eating sugar and I feel super pumped about it.
What I am most excited about is that I have realized this is something that I am completely capable of.
stain the ceiling feverish green

[18 Feb 2009|05:02pm]
i want things to be good/back to normal for everyone that i love.
i want it to be summer and to go swimming.
and i want new paltz to feel magical the way it used to.

everything just feels so heavy lately (and it is).
3 yellow curtains| stain the ceiling feverish green

[12 Feb 2009|07:32pm]
today simon asked if i was ready to have a day that i would never forget.
i wasn't. i opted for cleaning.
however, today was the best day i have had in a considerable amount of time.

these reasons made it so:

my eye has not hurt all day
cleaning the heck out of EVERYTHING. my room, the bathroom, kitchen, &  living room.
a huge dinner of seitan, mashed potatoes, green beans, biscuits and gravy
i had some whiskey at 4pm and felt super about it. (in my family we call this 'tea time')
i put that rice pack on the internet here: http://www.cherylboberyl.etsy.com
opening/drinking a bottle of dutch barn red that kate and i have saved for a long time. it went to the west coast with us and back.
we are going to watch butch cassidy and the sundance kid tonight
and hopefully play a game
and i think i am getting paid tomorrow.

theres probably more.

a day not to forget, indeed.

 


4 yellow curtains| stain the ceiling feverish green

a list: [11 Feb 2009|10:48pm]
+ Today was my second day of work in months. I am working for Matt Ross's mom doing some realty/reception work and it isn't too bad. It feels good to be productive and accomplish tasks
+Yesterday I made one of those rice hot/cold packs. I embroidered knotweed on it and filled it with rice, lavendar and chamomile. It kind of rules. Tomorrow I am going to try and sell it on the internet. (any takers?)
+I feel really excited and pumped about farm plan things that are happening. Pat's Mom and Bill want to invest in land and have us farm it, and have it as a place for them to live when they retire. This means too many exciting awesome things, but it seems like my future is coming together in a lot of ways regarding that stuff.
+Tommy sent me the new Dasha CD and I can't stop listening to it. I have no plans to either, no matter what anyone says.
+ Leslie was in town the other day and it was a super pleasant surprise and I miss her a lot.
+ I feel fucking awesome about playing the clarinet lately.
+ Toey has been really cute and cudly lately.

- I might have a stye. I really don't know, but my eyelid hurt a hell of a lot the other day and was swollen. I bought these special stye eye drops and they are a dream.
- I finished season 4 of Angel the other day and it was not nearly as good as I was hoping
- I miss Rochester way too much. I was going to go home this weekend, but instead am waiting until the 28th. So, hopefully I see people then?

+/- Valentine's day is Saturday. I am going to go to Simon's permaculture workshop/potluck and it is the best thing I could think of doing. I don't care about the romance aspect of that day so much, but sometimes I think I wouldn't mind it.
+/- I watched Robocop yesterday.
+/- I have been super into playing cards lately but don't really have anyone to play with. I have been playing Euchre online with strangers as a result. pathetic.
8 yellow curtains| stain the ceiling feverish green

[08 Jan 2009|01:58pm]
i feel off lately.
my neck has been itching a lot, which leads me to believe i have some kind of rash but really that seems impossible. its frustrating and i want it to go away and it feels too much like my life (its annoying at times, and at others fine).
i took a census test today so that i can possibly get a job taking the census. despite the fact that i got all of the questions correct, resulting in a grade of 100%, it does not make up for the fact that i constantly feel like my life has no purpose.
i think that this whole unemployment gig has got me feeling self conscious/bad about myself. i feel bad about much more than just not working. i think it is clouding my whole judgment of myself. its stupid and makes no sense, but that is all i am willing to admit in trying to explain it. i know that having a job may not change this, as i need to be doing something i feel good about, but i do need someone to answer too, and it cant just be my friends. i have been trying super hard to be productive, but nothing feels like its worth it really. matt gordon keeps telling me that i need to reevaluate what i think counts as progress/productivity/etc, but i cant get myself to do it.
for the most part, i have not been eating lunch which results in a grumpy-too-hungry-to-make-food-and-eat-it-cheryl. i need to get over that too.
kate is coming home today and that feels good.
klessa is going on tour next week, so you should come see us (this also feels good)!


1/10 @ Market Market in Rosendale
Klessa, Why the Wires, Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum, Orion, Igloom
8:00. This show is going to be ridiculous, and if you miss it you're crazy.

1/12 @ no radio records in ithaca
Klessa, Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum, Why the Wires

1/13 @ erik and tim's house in Rochester
Klessa, Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum...more?

1/14 (my birthday) @ the oxford hotel in Toronto
Klessa, Jordaan Mason and the horse museum, Sarah D, Whatever Jailer, Teadora Nikolova

1/15 @ the tranzac in Toronto
Klessa, Jordaan Mason and The Horse Museum, Sarah D, Teadora Nikolova

1/16 @ the Kitschen in Guelphh
Klessa, Jordaan Mason and the Horse Museum, Sarah D, Teadora Nikolova

1/17 @ Castle Rockmore in Syracuse
Klessa, Hello Halebopp, Marco Polio, Tailings

adresses and stuff here: www.myspace.com/plancakes


i am looking forward to this/need this. i get to wake up on my birthday in my parents house and spend the whole day with really awesome people in a really awesome house.
i cant imagine anything better.

thats all. i need to stop feeling bad for/about myself and start doing sweet shit.
 

stain the ceiling feverish green

[23 Dec 2008|09:57am]
i am in rochester. i have been waiting to be here for what feels like months, and i am already unsure how i feel about it. last night was kind of emotional for some strange reason. i talked to my mom about family things that are fucked up/make no sense. we talked about my aunt for the first time in a while, and my grandpa, and between the two of us i think we felt enough hurt for the whole world to know never to mess up their relationships with people they love. if only that were true.
today i am going to decorate our christmas tree, probably alone. thats not how i wanted it to go, but i am excited anyway.
i am only going to be here for a week, but right now that feels like eternity. i want to see as many people as i can, gets as many hugs as possible, and never let go of some people.
there is too much to do.

the drive to rochester last night was terrifying and beautiful. there was an accident of 3 cars and a gigantic truck which required helicopters and sitting in traffic for an hour. it made me so scared about my friends dying for some reason that i thought about how destroyed i would be if that happened. i cant help but think i would like to wrangle up everyone i love into one room and keep them there forever. safe. but still it would not work.

i need to see people and be excited and happy, not worried and emotional.
stain the ceiling feverish green

[17 Dec 2008|10:40am]
there is finally snow on the ground and even though its not enough, i feel great about it.
2 yellow curtains| stain the ceiling feverish green

[30 Nov 2008|09:49am]
today i woke up to complete silence. i dont remember the last time this happened.
thank you gross weather, for making those god damn construction workers across the street stop.

i watched hancock last night. what the hell?
stain the ceiling feverish green

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